The world is jealous of my gleaming boxfresh treads (pictured).

This photo was taken to preserve for posterity the daybright wonders that are my new running shoes. Yesterday I took them for their first proper outing and was worried that they'd get all muddied by the great outdoors. But despite my taking a tumble halfway along the Rivelin Valley, the shoes returned from their ordeal just as bright and breezy as when they left. (I ended up having to tweezer bits of path out of my hand, but that's another story.)

What's more, my knees (also pictured) are causing a stir in the world of politics. PM-in-waiting Gordon Brown has called them "the next big policy issue", while Tory leader David Cameron has dismissed them as an abomination that "no right-thinking person would condone." The knees themselves have issued a press statement asking that they be allowed to bear their considerable burden in private, out of the public gaze.

Finally, shocking events in the real world! I refer, of course, to the inexplicable departure of Daniel and Melinda from their respective competitions. I had them both down as winners! This means that either I am totally out of tune with public opinion, or that I should have phoned in to vote. But which is it?